Karen wrote poetry throughout her life reflecting
countless struggles and wonderments. Several months before her death,
I asked her why she drank? Karen said something happened to her years
ago. She would not tell me. I asked her if it involved our family... "No!
No! No! Nothing like that." But yet she still refused to tell
me. She took it to her grave. I hoped the answer; the cause of the
alcoholism would be reflected in her writings. What took this beautiful
child I grew up with down an alcoholic path, which made her physically
unrecognizable to me? All of us left behind wonders what happened to
Karen to take her down that path of self-destruction in the beginning
before it became a physical and mental addiction? What was her trigger?
Should I have seen warning signs long ago? Could I have been a better
sister with more time to listen or a shoulder to cry on for those life
struggles and disappointments we all share as we grow into adults?
Could I have loved her more? Enabled her less? Tried to help, before
it was hopeless.
After reading all her poems, I believe her trigger
could have been a broken heart, irreparable, unfixable. She wrote volumes
of poems soul searching for answers to her pain then went on a quest
to love God, maybe love herself. I sense at one point, she felt God
did not love her, as she did not love herself.
Karen, you're with God. All is well with you now.
But it doesn't answer that question that haunts me daily, because I
miss you sister. Maybe I'll find the answer in your poems, your words
from the heart. The answer must lie within your writings. |
